| Grammar Police |
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| Tuesday, 22 July 2008 | |
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Bulletin No. 72 Grammar and Usage Police-Lawrenceville Precinct E. L. Campbell, Desk Sergeant But still and yet, I digress before I’ve properly started. I’m afraid I’ve got BAAAAAAD news to convey to you today. I’d just assume not have to upset you with this, but the time for revelation has come. As my momma used to tell me, never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. It’s got to come out, and delay would be to Noah Vale whatsoever. This bulletin will be the last one in the illustrious series. Yes, my faithful readers—all three of you---it is true, alas. After twelve (12, count ‘em) years on the job, in fair weather or foul, my GUP uniform is to be retired and me with it. The former will be consigned to the GUP museum of arty facts, and I shall ride off into the sunset in the 1967 Fairlane cruiser that has served me so well. I am told that I may keep it for my private use. A grateful precinct will have the most noticeable dents smoothed out, and the right rear fender that fell off back in 2002 will be permanently reattached. The chief, a prince of a man, tells me not to worry; my pension will be paid as long as the petty cash fund lasts. Tears of thanksgiving cloud my vision as I type these lines. What, you ask, will I do with the rest of my life? The Lilburn Kroger supermarket where I have shopped for many years has an opening for a store detective-cum-check-out bagger. The pay is not great, but I would get an additional five percent discount on grocery items over and above the already established five percent accorded to old folks on Wednesdays. I could also take up raising chickens on a small scale as long as I keep the enterprise behind the house and out of sight of the street, so as not to contravene subdivision homeowner covenants. Chicken soup is good for the soul, as they say. The grass just won’t grow back there anyway. Lately there has been talk around town of preventing convicted sex offenders from living within a mile of school bus stops because even after their incarceration is over they still present a danger to society. Relieved of the day to day burden of keeping up with the stressful demands of the desk sergeant’s job, I’d also like to pursue, as a concerned private citizen, a campaign to see that GU offenders are kept away from living near anywhere. Herd them to the far outskirts of town, I say, and see that they are excluded from parks and swimming pools and the K. K. Kafé (see above) or wherever. My high school Latin teacher, who is still going strong in retirement at 90-plus in Watertown, Wisconsin, has suggested a few closing words: She wouldn’t tell me what they mean, but she says they are suitable for the occasion, and I trust her. If I decide I want to know badly enough, I suppose I can always Google them. You too. Ave atque vale.
Emery L. Campbell is an award-winning writer of poetry and short works of fiction and nonfiction. Multicultural Books, a Canadian press, published a book of a selection of his poems and translations from the French of poetry by classical French poets in May 2005. The volume, titled This Gardener’s Impossible Dream: A Not So Green Thumb (or Why I Took Up Poetry Instead), was nominated for the 2006 Georgia Author of the Year Award, and a poem chosen from it received a nomination for a Pushcart prize. Copies may be purchased directly from the author at His writings have also appeared in the journals Light, Midwest Poetry Review, Writers’ International Forum, Poets’ Forum, Parnassus Literary Journal, Spellbinder, Romantics Quarterly, and others; in anthologies including Reach of Song, Golden Words, Encore, Where Sunbeams Dance and others; in various magazines and newsletters; and on the Internet in The Hyper Texts at www.thehypertexts.org, in the Crown and Thistles section of Fables at www.fables.org, at www.goodgoshalmighty.com, and on additional websites. His work has won awards from the National Federation of State Poetry Societies, the Georgia Writers Association, and numerous individual state poetry organizations. Since 1988 Mr. Campbell and his wife, Hettie, a native of the Netherlands, have lived in Lawrenceville, GA. The couple has two grown sons, both of whom reside in the Atlanta area. |
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